Social Isolation

Courtesy of V-RAG August Edition

My September article is on Cancer Facts for Gay Men. Read it in print in the current edition of V-RAG Magazine.

Catch my health and wellness column in V-RAG Magazine. Pick it up in coffee shops and lobbies around town. www.v-rag.com

For those of you that cant, here is August's article :)

For many queer individuals, the trauma they experience in their life manifests into symptoms of an avoidant personality. Hurt by a history of humiliation or aggression, some gay individuals have unconsciously chosen to opt out much of life’s rough and tumble. They have stopped taking risks because they are afraid of experiencing more humiliation or hurt. The motivating factor in their life becomes: how do I avoid such painful rejection? The answer seems to be obvious – don’t put yourself into any situation where it might occur. However, the result is loneliness and depression and an ever decreasing ability to make social contacts that could improve the quality of one’s life. Even within a relationship, this tendency will lead one to emphasize autonomy and competition, rather than closeness and intimacy.

There are a few core efforts which can make breaking out from isolation a little easier.

1) Make a pact and plan your change:

Decide whether you are ready to make the effort. Make a commitment to yourself. You will need motivation to move forward. Motivation and reward seem pretty straight forward but the secret is not to overwhelm yourself. Set tangible, realistic and appropriate goals. Reaching even a small goal will compel you and make it easier to move on to your next challenge.

Try identifying an activity that you have a great deal of interest in and, instead of doing it alone, set a goal to invite someone to do that activity with you. For instance, if you like hiking the grind, ask the hipster vegan coworker down the hall if he wants to go with you this Sunday. Being in an environment you enjoy is a much easier way to get to know someone.

2) Overcome the fear of your sexuality and learn to love yourself

If you have ever felt that awful withering sensation when someone draws attention to your sexuality in a negative way, then it is likely that you are at least slightly uncomfortable being gay. If you are comfortable with your love for yourself, every aspect of yourself – including your sexuality – you will be much more comfortable in new social situations. You can’t be loved by everyone. Although it seems simple, this is a core thought which many people have not realized. Embrace that idea and believe it. Once you have internalized it, you’ve taken a major step forward.

Although it might seem like a silly exercise, try writing down a list of good things you know about yourself. Include your sexuality. How has it positively contributed to your life? Don’t be modest when making your list.

3) Practice effective social skills

You will find it surprisingly useful and rewarding to make an active attempt at identifying and improving specific social skills. Visualize when alone and practice when you have incidental opportunities.

-Approaching skills: being able to start talking to someone who you don't know well.

-Making frequent eye contact.

-Noticing other people's feelings.

-Assertiveness: say what you are feeling without being aggressive or getting personal.

This article is far too short to provide coaching on all of these. You may choose to seek structured guidance and perspective. HIM has professional counselors, peer counselors, and strategic advisors who can help. Contact Hans Bosgoed, at hans@checkhimout.ca or by calling 604.488.1001 ext 223.

After a while you will find yourself more engaged and you will look forward to challenging your social skill. As your confidence rises, so will your ability to experience the rewarding diverse relationships and social interactions you deserve in your life.